


man eater

by blackkat



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [60]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Terrifying Old Ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackkat/pseuds/blackkat
Summary: “I'm not going toapprovethis,” Hiruzen tells his former teammate, utterly bewildered.“Of course you are,” Koharu tells him briskly.





	man eater

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt on my Tumblr: Naruto gets taken in and raised by Koharu. He learns everything a traditional kunoichi does, as well as those combat skills that were what made kunoichi like Koharu, Touka, and Mito so absolutely fucking terrifying. But he always maintains the elegance and poise Koharu-obaasama taught him, even when handing Sasuke his broken teeth on a platter. Sakura and Ino are SO JEALOUS™ but also SO PROUD because ladylike but still male Naruto is awesome.

“I'm not going to _approve this_ ,” Hiruzen tells his former teammate, utterly bewildered.

“Of course you are,” Koharu tells him briskly, and the look on her face is one she most often used to turn on him and Danzō when they were being particularly obtuse. “Lady Mito's spirit came to me in a dream to point out the in injustice being done to her descendant. I'm fixing it, and you had best not get in my way, Saru.”

Perched on her lap, four-year-old Naruto turns wide-starry eyes on her. “You talk to the _Hokage_ like that?” he asks excitedly.

Hiruzen, who is still trying to sort out the _Lady Mito's spirit_ part of that, catches sight of that expression out of the corner of his eye and freezes as trepidation bolts down his spine.

“I’m being perfectly polite,” Koharu tells Naruto, and it’s true. Mostly. Except she wields manners the same way she wields an explosive tag, which is to say _devastatingly_. “People can never say no to good manners, if you use them correctly.”

Oh no. That expression on Naruto's face is the same one he was wearing when he saw Hiruzen use a jutsu for the first time, and it doesn’t bode well for any part of Hiruzen's remaining sanity. “Utatane—” he starts warningly.

“Hokage-sama.” He hasn’t heard her sound that icy since he suggested it was too dangerous to go out looking for Tobirama’s body, and years of experience has him snapping his mouth shut automatically. Koharu regards him narrowly for another moment, then nods in satisfaction and sets a neat stack of papers on the desk. “Naruto is coming home with me,” she says. “I will teach him sealing and how to comport himself—no more of this wreaking havoc in the village nonsense. And _you_ will approve it.”

This situation is slipping from Hiruzen's grasp so quickly it’s giving him a rash. “Only if you agree to cut ties with Danzō,” he says desperately.

Koharu gives him her patented _I'm disappointed you're not more intelligent but also remain unsurprised by this fact_ look and taps an imperious finger on the papers. “Section three,” she says primly, because of course Utatane Koharu would never hand in paperwork that wasn’t in _sections_. There was a reason Tobirama liked her best, and it wasn’t her penchant for explosions. Well, not _entirely_. “Proof of Danzō’s continuing activities, several methods to stop him, a cost-benefit analysis of doing so immediately as compared to phasing Root out slowly, and Mitokado’s agreement not to participate in any more of Danzō’s activities.”

Hiruzen wonders what she did to poor Homura to get his compliance, but very carefully doesn’t ask. Instead, he looks at the boy who may as well be his grandson, who he’s managed to keep at arm’s length, practically neglected, for the past four years, and sighs a little.

“Naruto?” he asks quietly. “Are you all right with this?”

Koharu’s expression shades towards affront, but before she can say anything—or stuff a mild exploding tag down his robes, because that was always one of her favorite _ugh you're such a **boy**_ reactions—Naruto turns to look up at her, and…

Well. Hiruzen realizes with a start that while he’s seen Naruto happy, he’s never seen him _glad_ before.

“Oba-sama bought me a _kimono_ ,” he says, as though this is bewildering. “Because I thought it was pretty. An’ she said I can learn to fight like a _hero of Konoha_.” He pronounces the words carefully, clearly aware of the reverence with which Koharu treats her heroes.

Hiruzen just wishes that her heroes weren’t Uzumaki Mito and Senju Tōka, because he _knows_ Koharu. She doesn’t give a damn about gender—Naruto will learn kunoichi skills because she knows how to make them devastating, and because all the shinobi she looks up to used them. And that, coupled with her love of exploding tags and her fuinjutsu knowledge, and Naruto's bloodline of genius and his chakra reserves—

It takes effort not to wince.

“Utatane—” he starts, even though he doesn’t have a solid protest formed.

A mistake, clearly, because Koharu’s dark eyes go flinty, and she rises to her feet in a swirl of perfectly arranged robes. “Saru,” she says coolly. “Your desk, top drawer on the left, under a false bottom. Second bookshelf from the right of the door, third shelf, behind the treatise on politics during the First World War. Tenth floorboard from the window, in a black box sealed with—”

Hiruzen flings himself forward right over his desk, clapping a hand across her mouth. All the blood has drained from his face, and he gives her a wild-eyed look.

“You _witch_ ,” he accuses. “Leave my literature alone.”

Koharu rolls her eyes, grips his wrist between two delicate fingers, and pulls it away from her mouth. She pauses just long enough to make sure Hiruzen knows she’s thinking about breaking it for the offense, then lets go. “Hide it better,” she retorts. “Or for heaven’s sake don’t read _porn_ on the job.”

Naruto, always the first to latch on to something he shouldn’t—case in point, the way he’s happily perched on Koharu’s hip right this moment, and Hiruzen has the uncharitable thought that he’s surprised she hasn’t _broken_ her hip yet, with all her marching around giving orders—perks up at that. “What’s porn?” he asks excitedly.

“A way to lead foolish men around by the nose,” Koharu says precisely. “Saru, I expect those forms to be filed with the appropriate departments by the end of the day tomorrow. Naruto, let’s go home.”

“Yes, Oba-sama!” Naruto cheers, and he waves cheerfully over her shoulder as she sweeps out of the Hokage's office.

Hiruzen slumps back in his chair and drags his hands over his face, then leans over and fishes out a bottle of sake. For a moment he debates the cup, but then he pictures Naruto with elegance and poise and the ability to break anyone’s teeth without losing composure, and just pops the cork.

At the very least, it will be an interesting few years.

(Hiruzen really, really hopes he can retire before Naruto reaches Academy age, because _that_ will make ‘interesting’ look like a morning stroll in comparison.)

“Terrifying old bat,” he mutters, waving the sake in vague salute, and then drinks straight from the bottle.


End file.
